A Realist's Guide to Kicking the Habit

If you’re a smoker, chances are good that you’d like to kick your habit—but chances are even better that, during your quit attempts, you’ve read and heard all sorts of “expert” advice from experts who make you crave a cigarette. These people don’t understand the joy of an after-dinner smoke. They can’t appreciate that car rides become enjoyable when accompanied by your 20-pack of best friends. They don’t comprehend the utter and absolute relaxation that comes with a cigarette first thing in the morning and last thing before bed.

These are not experts.

I was a smoker, but I’m not anymore. And because I clearly understand how difficult the quitting process is, I present the following realist’s guide to kicking the habit once and for all. You won’t read anything about deep breathing, relaxation techniques, or carrot sticks in this step-by-step formula. Just follow the steps below to get through your first ten days. And remember: if you can make it through those ten days, you can make it through anything.

DAY 1:  Go ahead and shoot somebody. Your body is likely suffering from the beginnings of a raging nicotine withdrawal that will only get worse during the next several days. Might as well kick off those days in a way that is truly stress-relieving.

DAY 2: Your withdrawal is really kicking in now—and you’re going to encounter lots of nonsmokers who’ll try to be helpful, offering you encouragement and advice. Kick them. They don’t understand, and they never will.

DAY 3: “Accidentally” spill the hot liquid of your choice on the first person who tells you, with an encouraging smile, that the first three days are the hardest.

DAY 4: The nicotine patch—a sticker that releases a steady dose of nicotine into your bloodstream—is a great tool for curbing your physical cravings. Apply one patch daily to your arm, and enjoy the difference it makes. Want to enjoy a bigger difference, though? Peel up a corner of that sticker every now and then, and take a little lick. Ahhhhh…sweet nicotine.

DAY 5: Why are you trying to quit, anyway? Why does anyone care what you do with your body? Tell people to stop disguising their superioristic lectures as encouragement. Those couple years of life that smoking takes away are likely to be pretty crummy years anyway. No one would notice if you just snuck one cigarette, in the garage. Besides, it’s nobody’s business whether you smoke. You’re not addicted; you just enjoy it.

DAY 6: Worried about weight gain? Comfort yourself with a half-gallon of cookie-dough ice cream. Straight from the carton. If this doesn’t curb your hunger, top it off with a couple doughnuts and a case of beer. You’ve earned it, champ. 

DAY 7:  See that cigarette by the dumpster? The one just to the left of the mud puddle, directly in front of the dead squirrel? Someone left a couple drags on that one. Congratulations for making it through your first week—if you want ‘em, those couple drags are yours!

DAY 8:  Do you have a spouse, significant other, or child who likes to constantly remind you about the importance of quitting? Today is your day to remind them how miserable you are. Cry openly and often. Make them feel guilty for their years of educational lectures. Burn dinner and refuse to be consoled. Throw some plates. Cough harder than you ever coughed from smoking, gasping “see what you’re doing to me!” between breaths.

DAY 9:  You are surviving some of the hardest days of your life, and you have every right to be proud. Go around to all your former smoking friends and lecture them about how repulsive and smelly their habit is. Tell them how disgusting they are. You’re better than they are.

DAY 10:  Congratulations! You’ve passed the most difficult hurdle—but you don’t care. While the physical part of your addiction should now be over, the psychological and emotional addictions are still very strong and very real. No one cares about these struggles, though—and any support you’ve been getting will likely fade quickly after today. The only way out now is to prove that you’re strong enough to stick with it.

Sticking With It…
This 10-day plan, though satirical, is a great illustration of the intense emotional and physical battle that comes with quitting smoking. Strange thoughts, overwhelming fatigue, powerful cravings, erratic and unpredictable moods, misplaced aggression—all are likely to occur. The good news is this: they occur less often and are less intense as each day passes.

Everyone knows about the benefits of quitting. Everyone knows that quitting smoking is the single most important element for improved health. The bottom line, though, is that quitting has to come from within. No amount of will-power, no prescriptions, nicotine replacement therapies, or hypnotists will work until a smoker is genuinely ready to quit.

Getting through the first days of your quit will seem impossible. Unbearable, even. Your body might ache, your head might pound, you might be unable to sleep—or unable to do anything except sleep. But it gets better. It gets easier with each passing day, and the pride that comes with quitting is better than any cigarette.